i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
