kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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