I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
