GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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