Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
