I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
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