Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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