i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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