I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
