I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
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It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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