So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
