life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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