he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
