The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
