he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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