and you said cock pushups were impossible
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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