Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
