doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.