Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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