my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
