I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
