I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
