Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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