it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
