sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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