Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
