did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
