You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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