you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
