Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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