This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
