I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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