I wish I only lived at night.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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