I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I need moral support for this bender
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
