Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
