Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
