New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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