pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
