My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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