I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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