stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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