my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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