I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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