I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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