My girlfriend figured out who you are.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
