Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
