Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
