why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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