this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
