i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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