im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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