This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
