my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
