I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize