It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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