yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
