i would punch a child for taco bell
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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