I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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